Torch #15: The Difference Between Healthy Pressure and Toxic Pressure (And Why It Matters)

They look the same on the outside but perform different on the inside

Pressure is an amazing motivator in our lives to get things done.

Whether that’s in a financial sense, in a health and wellness sense, or even in a career trajectory sense.

You know the clock’s ticking, and you see others ahead of you, so the go-to move is to send things into overdrive to catch up.

This works very well only for so long until you realize there was no foundation under all of that pressure.

Eventually, burnout happens, and you’re losing track of what actually matters.

The thing that nobody taught you is that it’s possible to create a healthy version of that. That’s what this article will dive deep into.

Shoutout to Faith Anne ⏳ for inspiring this article from the convo we had on her recent one, Consuming ideas vs. being changed by them.

What Toxic Pressure Looks Like

First, I want to lay out what the word toxic means in this sense.

The way I look at it is something that is corrosive to yourself and is not built to sustain you long term.

This happens mostly when you don’t have a strong sense of self. In other words, if your identity is only held by external circumstances rather than your internal state and set of values.

So if your identity is held by external circumstances, how do you keep up the illusion of having strong self worth?

It’s by constantly having to provide value and looking “successful” or hardworking on the outside. It means you’re not allowed to show weakness. It means that you’re not allowed to slow down.

Because if you slow down, that will remind yourself and everyone around you of your inadequacy. That feeling of emptiness you feel inside.

Photo by Vasily Koloda on Unsplash

The even more dangerous part of this is that it can happen both subconsciously (you don’t know it’s happening) and consciously (you do know). Being aware of it and not changing it can create an even bigger problem. I know cause I lived it.

For me, I knew 4 months into my engineering career that it wasn’t right for me. Still, I chose to stay for another 2 years, keeping up that toxic pressure to keep things going, while also breaking down and burning out internally, slowly but surely.

When you’re aware of it, it’s almost like you’re punishing yourself on purpose. There’s a couple reasons why this ends up happening.

Why Do We Stay Stuck In These Patterns?

The biggest reason why we continue to perpetuate this pressure on ourselves is because we are trying to overcompensate for things that happened in the past.

For me, I grew up in a family that had high expecations for me. Nothing less than 100 percent on a test was the deal. And anything short was disappointment from them.

I constantly internalized a lot of this, and assumed something was just wrong with me. Because I would try my hardest and sometimes still fail. But that’s exactly why the cycle keeps continuing.

I didn’t let go of the past yet, so it continued to haunt me as I kept going. And that resentment for a better life that you know is out there, but don’t know how to achieve starts to build up.

And the best way to describe that resentment is like wearing a heavy backpack to work every day. It puts pressure on your back until you end up collapsing.

And that leads to the second reason why this happens. Most of the time, we just don’t know what a new and healthier pattern would look like. I know when I was deep in it, I could only think about day to day, and any type of change felt too drastic to make.

The reason why I even was able to break the pattern was because I had a rock bottom through my recent quarter life crisis. I quit my job impulsively, and did not secure any funding for my side business, so I was left with nothing to attach myself to or work towards.

I didn’t have a choice but to sit still and finally look inward.

I had to learn this lesson the hard way, but you definitely don’t have to wait for a breaking point or reaching burnout in order to start changing.

The Shift (To Healthy Pressure)

So, now that we have a better picture of what toxic pressure looks like, what does healthy pressure look like?

It’s hard to summarize, but this is the best definition I can come up with.

When you have a purpose or vision that pulls you forward due to alignment with your values.

This means that you’re not overcompensating for a lack of self-worth. You’re not trying to make up for a feeling of inadequacy.

Why?

Because that purpose or vision is finally giving you the space to be the true version of yourself. Not the one that’s performing. Not the one that is desperate for validation. Not the one that feels a need to work for the sake of looking busy.

That is the pull that I’m referring to. Compare this to the push of the toxic pressure.

The push has no foundation to build on. It’s flimsy, and that’s exactly why constant movement is the only way to sustain that.

The problem, though, is that the human body will eventually keep track of this stress over time, and you will hit a brick wall. This happened to me 3 times in 3 years until I hit rock bottom and was forced to finally change.

The change happens through self-reflection mixed with aligned action.

A Few Questions To Reflect On

If you’re feeling empty inside, the most important thing you can do is reflect on what you believe is missing in your life, and what is stopping you from getting there.

A few journaling questions can get to the core of this:

1. What are the things that give me the most meaning in life? What are my areas of strength that have allowed me to do my best work?

2. How much of my life am I currently living according to those strengths and finding that meaning within my work?

3. What is one small thing I can do to start taking steps toward a direction that aligns better with my purpose?

Once you get to this point, you’ll find that there will be a lot of fear towards even taking small action.

That is ok. The most important thing is that you don’t see the fear as evidence that you shouldn’t embark on the new path.

What’s your current relationship with pressure right now? Healthy or Toxic? Let me know in the comments!