Yes! When you feel pushed, it can alert that toxic pressure is leading. When you feel pulled, especially towards your north star values, it usually signals you are on a more aligned path. I still grapple with toxic pressure at times, but also try to listen to what PUSH is trying to protect me from, while allowing PULL to take the front seat more often.
Thank you so much, Grace, both for reading and the thoughtful comment. Push and pull is a great way to relate it, and I would say it's also ok to pivot back into toxic pressure when things are tough. I also still struggle with from to time, since we're only human. But that's why we need to give ourselves Grace :)
I enjoyed reading how you broke down the two, and gave them two distinct names, Dido!
So much is possible when we stop fitting into boxes other people want us to fit into, have a vision we hold high, and operate from trust and choice over controlling what doesn't even light us up in the first place.
Few get to truly integrate this distinction, and I'm so glad to see you writing from your own lived experience.
What stood out to me is the distinction between pressure that pushes and purpose that pulls.
Many people mistake exhaustion for ambition because they have spent so long trying to outrun an old sense of inadequacy. I appreciated how this piece reframes growth as alignment rather than overcompensation...
Thanks Adrien, appreciate your reflection! That was my favorite part of the distinction too, I think it makes it great for visualizing the difference 🙌
And huge agree on your inadequacy point, it’s very easy to keep pushing through a feeling that covers that up.
I can relate to this so much, Dido. I come from a similar background, and it really shapes you.
For me, that drive, coming from that negative pressure, was also so well received by the "outside world", so I was also kind of scared to let go of it, even though I felt miserable on the inside. I’m glad to read that rock bottom helped you find your way back too - sometimes life really does have to force us there ;) not having to live from that toxic pressure is very freeing!
Thanks Nathalie, appreciate your reflection, thanks for reading!
Yes, the toxic pressure can feel good externally (people admire you for your capabilities), but it does quickly burn you out internally. Looks like both of us had to learn this the hard way, but it’s allowed us to come out the other side more stronger and refined 💪
When the work is aligned with your interests and you truly want to improve, that pressure is healthy and it helps you grow. When you're doing it to reach a milestone to prove something to someone else, the pressure becomes toxic. Well written Dido.
The push/pull distinction is the right cut. What gets missed, even after you can name it, is that the push doesn't quietly retire once you've found the pull. The brain that built the toxic version was doing what it was programmed to do — it had categorized the empty feeling as a threat, and productivity was the move it learned reliably moved you away from it. That programming doesn't dissolve just because you've found something aligned. It looks for a new place to land.
Which is why even healthy pressure can quietly turn into the next fortress. Same purpose, same vision, same aligned work — and underneath, the same brain still running the old "if I keep moving I won't have to feel that" logic, just in better clothes. The shift isn't a one-time switch from push to pull. It's catching, over and over, the moments the pull starts being used to outrun something instead of pulled toward something. And choosing differently each time.
The rock bottom piece is what most writing on this gets wrong, and you got right. Sometimes the brain's grip on its protective strategy is so practiced that nothing short of having nothing left to grip will get it to release. That's not failure to learn faster. It's how persistent the classification is once it's set.
To your closing question — somewhere between the two, honestly. The pull is real, and so is the part of my brain that keeps trying to repurpose it. Some days I catch the difference early. Some days I notice only after I've already collapsed under it. That's the practice, I think. Not arriving at healthy pressure. Just getting faster at telling them apart.
The healthy vs toxic distinction is really useful to understand. They look identical from the outside and feel completely different from the inside. One keeps you running because you're scared of what happens if you stop. The other lets you actually take a breath without the whole thing falling over
Lovely read Dido! I completely agree. Healthy amount of stress and pressure will always help achieve dreams. Curious to know, do you think a person can be aligned etc, and still apply toxic pressure to themselves? Not where they try to meet other’s expectations, but their own?
Yes! When you feel pushed, it can alert that toxic pressure is leading. When you feel pulled, especially towards your north star values, it usually signals you are on a more aligned path. I still grapple with toxic pressure at times, but also try to listen to what PUSH is trying to protect me from, while allowing PULL to take the front seat more often.
Thank you so much, Grace, both for reading and the thoughtful comment. Push and pull is a great way to relate it, and I would say it's also ok to pivot back into toxic pressure when things are tough. I also still struggle with from to time, since we're only human. But that's why we need to give ourselves Grace :)
I enjoyed reading how you broke down the two, and gave them two distinct names, Dido!
So much is possible when we stop fitting into boxes other people want us to fit into, have a vision we hold high, and operate from trust and choice over controlling what doesn't even light us up in the first place.
Few get to truly integrate this distinction, and I'm so glad to see you writing from your own lived experience.
What stood out to me is the distinction between pressure that pushes and purpose that pulls.
Many people mistake exhaustion for ambition because they have spent so long trying to outrun an old sense of inadequacy. I appreciated how this piece reframes growth as alignment rather than overcompensation...
Thanks Adrien, appreciate your reflection! That was my favorite part of the distinction too, I think it makes it great for visualizing the difference 🙌
And huge agree on your inadequacy point, it’s very easy to keep pushing through a feeling that covers that up.
I can relate to this so much, Dido. I come from a similar background, and it really shapes you.
For me, that drive, coming from that negative pressure, was also so well received by the "outside world", so I was also kind of scared to let go of it, even though I felt miserable on the inside. I’m glad to read that rock bottom helped you find your way back too - sometimes life really does have to force us there ;) not having to live from that toxic pressure is very freeing!
Thanks Nathalie, appreciate your reflection, thanks for reading!
Yes, the toxic pressure can feel good externally (people admire you for your capabilities), but it does quickly burn you out internally. Looks like both of us had to learn this the hard way, but it’s allowed us to come out the other side more stronger and refined 💪
When the work is aligned with your interests and you truly want to improve, that pressure is healthy and it helps you grow. When you're doing it to reach a milestone to prove something to someone else, the pressure becomes toxic. Well written Dido.
Thank you, Shalini, for reading!!
The push/pull distinction is the right cut. What gets missed, even after you can name it, is that the push doesn't quietly retire once you've found the pull. The brain that built the toxic version was doing what it was programmed to do — it had categorized the empty feeling as a threat, and productivity was the move it learned reliably moved you away from it. That programming doesn't dissolve just because you've found something aligned. It looks for a new place to land.
Which is why even healthy pressure can quietly turn into the next fortress. Same purpose, same vision, same aligned work — and underneath, the same brain still running the old "if I keep moving I won't have to feel that" logic, just in better clothes. The shift isn't a one-time switch from push to pull. It's catching, over and over, the moments the pull starts being used to outrun something instead of pulled toward something. And choosing differently each time.
The rock bottom piece is what most writing on this gets wrong, and you got right. Sometimes the brain's grip on its protective strategy is so practiced that nothing short of having nothing left to grip will get it to release. That's not failure to learn faster. It's how persistent the classification is once it's set.
To your closing question — somewhere between the two, honestly. The pull is real, and so is the part of my brain that keeps trying to repurpose it. Some days I catch the difference early. Some days I notice only after I've already collapsed under it. That's the practice, I think. Not arriving at healthy pressure. Just getting faster at telling them apart.
The healthy vs toxic distinction is really useful to understand. They look identical from the outside and feel completely different from the inside. One keeps you running because you're scared of what happens if you stop. The other lets you actually take a breath without the whole thing falling over
Thanks Neema, would say that’s a pretty accurate summary 🙌
Thankful for your perspectives that consistently challenge me to think outside the box. Leaning into this for the rest of the year!!!
Appreciate you Faith!! I already know this'll be light work for you 💯
amazing article, Dido!!! thank you sharing with us!
the journaling prompts are helpful too, thanks!
Thanks Jess, appreciate your support as always 🙏
Lovely read Dido! I completely agree. Healthy amount of stress and pressure will always help achieve dreams. Curious to know, do you think a person can be aligned etc, and still apply toxic pressure to themselves? Not where they try to meet other’s expectations, but their own?